Having a daughter has been my dream for as long as I can remember. I wanted a baby girl I could give a cute name and dress in cute clothes. Someone that could be my little best friend and always love me no matter what. I never thought about raising a daughter more than that though, until I had a daughter while I was in an abusive relationship.
I was abused all during my pregnancy with my daughter. I left a couple times, but I always got pulled back in. I already had a son, who is just 13 months older than his sister. Having a son never made my self worth click though, even though I didn’t want him to be the type of man he was being raised around. I guess I thought I could just teach him better and he would be smart and loving enough to know what’s right and what’s wrong.
My daughter changed my whole perspective. I remember clinching her in my arms when she was just a newborn promising her that I would give her and her brother a better life and raise them to be better people. I just looked at her sweet innocent little self and thought about how she’s going to grow up watching mommy get hurt and thinking that it was okay. Then I thought about my son. He’s already been seeing it and has been stuck right in the middle of it. He’s going to think it’s okay too. That wasnt acceptable any more.
I got the courage and I left. He threatened me and my whole family, but I left any way. The upbringing my children have and the type of people I need to make sure they grow up to be were worth more than the fear of his abusive language.
I knew that one day my daughter was going to look up at me and tell me she wants to be just like me
when she grows up, just like I told my mom. But the woman I wanted her to grow up to be was the exact opposite of who I was. I needed to change that. I HAD to change that. I needed and had to be exactly the woman she needed to look up to. A STRONG woman.
Over the course of a year I worked on myself a lot. I changed a lot. I learned what I wanted and who I wanted to be. BUT a year later I found myself face to face with him again. I let his words play my ear and he slithered like a snake right back into our lives. But I was a different woman then and I decided to give it another chance. And right when I heard his abusive language start up… again, I left. I had changed, but he hadn’t. -I sat in my room and I cried. I had FINALLY learned AND KNEW my worth. I wasn’t worth being talked down to or threatened for things I couldn’t control. I finally burned that relationship to the ground and left without a bruise on my body or my heart.
Laides, look at yourself in the mirror. Imagine yourself as your daughter. Is your daughter worth more than what you’re going through right now? Would you be FURIOUS if you knew your baby girl was going through what you’re going through? THEN LEAVE. RUN. NEVER LOOK BACK. I thought I was stuck in my situation, but I learned that you’re only stuck if you tell yourself you’re stuck. I found a way out. You can too. Know your worth.
It’s been over a year that I officially left that relationship. Shortly after God put a man in our lives that was everything we needed. A man that made me feel like I finally got what I was worth, what my children were worth. God will send you that too.
“God often uses our deepest pain as the launching pad of our greatest calling.”